My name is melody and I'm twelve years old. My favorite hobby is collecting My Melody things as it is my favorite character and has the same name as I.
I am in a family of four. My parents, brother and I. My family has no time at all. My dad has to work. My mum, has to take care of my brother. I have to study for my upcoming PSLE ( Primary School Leaving Examination ). But luckily for my brother, he does not need to work hard for his studies yet as he is two and a half years old. But of course he still working hard training using the potty and talking properly without mumbling the words. So everybody in my family shall work hard and then play hard together when the holidays come and the examinations are over.
I love spending time with my family as well as loving them.
OOooooo I love the cartoon picture you attached. So cuttttteeeeeee......
ReplyDelete- Your introduction is clear, but in terms of expression- seemed a little boring if you know what I mean. Can you think of a better introductory line to capture your readers' attention?
- Since 'My Melody' is a brand, its good to put in the 'XXX' punctuations.
- .... same name as MINE (not I)
- your sentence- 'I am in a family of four' sounds wrong. My family consist of four people-my parents, brother and I.
-'My family has no time at all'... no time for what? If I were to read this statement by itself, it sounds negative. Think of a better way to re-word what you hope to say.
- Take note too... you repeated "But..." twice. Not good idea. Your second "but" could be "WHILE he trains hard to learn to use the potty and speak properly..."
-"So everybody in my family shall work hard and then play hard together when the holidays come and the examinations are over." better to just say... "As we family, we always look forward to...". Also, it makes a difference if you add the word- 'especially' to make that sentence more logical. "...especially when the examination is over"
- Oh yes, examination, not examinations.
- such a sweet conclusion!
My name is melody and I'm twelve years old. My favorite hobby is collecting My Melody things as it is my favorite character and has the same name as mine.My family consist of four people-my parents, brother and I.
ReplyDeleteMy family has no time to have fun at all. My dad has to work. My mum, has to take care of my brother. I have to study for my upcoming PSLE ( Primary School Leaving Examination ). But luckily for my brother, he does not need to work hard for his studies yet as he is two and a half years old.
While he trains hard to learn to use the potty and speak properly. As we family, we always look forward to working hard then playing hard together when the holidays come and especially when the examination is over